The Little Lost Girl

A little girl and her mother went shopping in a very large mall one afternoon. After being in a major store for some time the little girl grew tired and sat down on the floor to wait for her mother to finish the shopping. While she watched the people moving around her, the little girl's mother moved on to another department not knowing that the little girl didn't follow her. Soon the little girl realized that her mother was nowhere to be seen and she started to cry.One of the clerks soon heard her and came to ask her why she was crying. The little girl sobbingly told her that she had lost her mommy. The clerk took her by the hand and they set out to find the lost mommy. After a few minutes had gone by the clerk had an idea. She asked the little girl if she thought her mommy would recognize her voice, and the little girl nodded her head.The store clerk took her to the counter and lifted her up so that she could reach the microphone to the store's PA system. The clerk told her to talk into the mike and her mother would hear her voice and come to get her. The sweet little girl held the mike close to her mouth and with tears running down her cheeks and a sob in her voice she said: 'I would like to bear my testimony. I know this Church is true.'

That’s how the fight started

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station.....and that's how the fight started....

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.. And that's how the fight started.

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'. And that's how the fight started.....

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My wife says, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And that's how the fight started.....

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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's how the fight started.....

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about th e mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started.....

Can you solve this puzzle?

You are riding on a beautiful white horse. On your left side is a drop off. On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion. In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your wayAnd you can't seem to overtake them. Behind you is a stampede of horses. What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer:
Get your drunk ass off the carousel!!

BUTT DUST

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?'? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it!? These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and onefor cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was.Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties.Mine say five to six.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked:'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rat her wr inkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget....this particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended towardheaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.'Without you, we are but dust....' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over,looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:'I went by your grandma's house today andI saw her in the hallway buck naked.Man, she is one fine looking woman!'The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker andwould fight at the drop of a hat.The drunk leans on the table again and says:'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,the best I ever had!'The biker's buddies are starting to get really madbut the biker still says nothing.The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,'I'll tell you something else, boy,your grandma liked it!'At this point the biker stands up,takes the drunk by the shoulderslooks him square in the eyes and says....................'Grandpa;....... Go home!

BANNED FROM WAL-MART

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips toWal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring andpreferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the localWal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite acommotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have beenforced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.Samsel are listed below and are documente d by o ur video surveillancecameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people'scarts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minuteintervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to thewomen's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away. '
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's onlayaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told othershoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blanketsfrom the b edding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began cryingand screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as amirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, heasked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly hummingthe 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud sp eaker, heassumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least .
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Winter Poem

I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. It was to me, and it's very well written. I felt it really captured my own feelings about winter.

'WINTER'
a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

SHIT, It's Cold !

The End

How old is Grandpa???

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about currentevents. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootingsat schools, the computer age, and just things in general. The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was bornbefore: television ' penicillin ' polio shots ' frozen foods 'Xerox ' contact lenses Frisbees and the pill There were no: credit cards ' laser beams or ' ball-pointpens Man had not invented: panty hose ' air conditioners ' dishwashers' clothes dryers and the clothes were hung out to dry in the freshair and ' man hadn't yet walked on the moon Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . and then livedtogether. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir". And after Iturned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir." We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, day-carecenters, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, andcommon sense.. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and tostand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was abigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the eveningbreeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings andweekends-not purchasing condominiums. We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters,yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speecheson our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening toTommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, was junk The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi wereall a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel onenough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . but who could afford one?Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day: "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store and "software" wasn't even a word. And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady neededa husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused"and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am? I bet you have this old man in mind... you are in for a shock! Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad atthe same time.. Are you ready ????? This man would be only 59 years old.

My Resimay:

To hoom it mae cunsern,I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.Sinseerly,BRYAN PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

Employer's response:
Dear Bryan,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check.See you Monday.

Kermit Jagger

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. 'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.' Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.' She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?' (folks, you're gonna luv this) The bank manager looks back at her and says... 'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.' You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

The Bus

You're on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart. The music's really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, that's when you realize, you've been listening to your iPod.

True Redneck Tank Top!

This was taken in front of the Gardendale, Alabama, Wal-Mart while she wasgoing to the Flea market. Look at it closely.

Now I ask you...Who sits and looks at a pair of men's briefs and says hmmmm...I can make a nice summer top from these!! On the other hand...$6 for a three pack is a good price!!

Military Humor

Thank Goodness they still have a sence of humor!

God Bless Our Troops.

The Human Race