Thursday, June 10, 2010

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues andstuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloadedoff the Internet.When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of thepeople got up and left. I guess they decided thatthey weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hoursoff my waiting time.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next timeyou're in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

And the Laundromat - three minutes after entering I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's, the whole crew got upand left and l never got my order.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "


With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .... every imaginable kind of cured pork.


"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a HAM BUSH...."

SO SORRY I know there is something wrong with me for sending you this. Just couldnt help it! The little voices made me do it !!! And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you - I know you did!

Senior wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter : "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist : "Of course, we do."
Jacob : "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist : "All kinds."
Jacob : "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist : "Definitely."
Jacob : "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist : "You bet!"
Jacob : "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist : "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob : "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"Pharmacist : "Absolutely."Jacob : "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist : "We sure do."
Jacob : "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist : "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob : "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist : "Sure."
Jacob : "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

Saturday, May 29, 2010

The Tea Cup

I love this story - you will not be able to have tea in a tea cup again without thinking of this. There was a couple who took a trip to England to shop in a beautiful antique store to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. They both liked antiques and pottery, and especially teacups. Spotting an exceptional cup, they asked, "May we see that? We've never seen a cup quite so beautiful."As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the teacup spoke, "You don't understand. I have not always been a teacup There was a time when I was just a lump of red clay.

My master took me and rolled me, pounded and patted me over and over and I yelled out, "Don't do that. "I don't like it! Leave me alone," but he only smiled, and gently said, "Not yet!"

Then WHAM! I was placed on a spinning wheel>and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. "Stop it! I'm getting so dizzy! I'm going to be sick!," I screamed. But the master only nodded and said quietly. 'Not yet.'

He spun me and poked and prodded and bent me out of shape to suit himself and then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat.. I yelled and knocked and pounded at the door. "Help! Get me out of here!" I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head from side to side, 'Not yet'.

When I thought I couldn't bear it another minute, the door opened. He carefully took me out and put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. Oh, that felt so good! "Ah, this is much better," I thought. But after I cooled he picked me up and he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. "Oh, please, stop it, stop," I cried. He only shook his head and said. 'Not yet!'.

Then suddenly he put me back in to the oven. Only it was not like the first one.. This was twice as hot and I just knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. I was convinced I would never make it. I was ready to give up. Just then the door opened and he took me out and again placed me on the shelf where I cooled and waited and waited, wondering "What's he going to do to me next?"

An hour later he handed me a mirror and said 'Look at yourself.' And I did. I said, "That's not me; that couldn't be me. It's beautiful. I'm beautiful!!!"

Quietly he spoke: 'I want you to remember,then,' he said, 'I know it hurt to be rolled and pounded and patted, but had I just left you alone, you'd have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I know it hurt and it was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened. You would not have had any color in your life. If I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't have survived for long because thehardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product.

Now you are what I had in mind when I first began with you.

The moral of this story is this:God knows what He's doing for each of us. He is the potter, and we are His clay. He will mold us and make us and expose us to just enough pressures of just the right kinds that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing and perfect will.

So when life seems hard, and you are being pounded and patted and pushed almost beyond endurance; when your world seems to be spinning out of control; when you feel like you are in a fiery furnace of trials; when life seems to "stink", try this:

Brew a cup of your favorite tea in your prettiest tea cup, sit down and think on this story
and then, have a little talk with the Potter.

Friday, May 28, 2010

NEW DONT ASK , DONT TELL UNIFORM

Representative Barney Frank introduces the new "don't ask, don't tell" uniform

Monday, May 24, 2010

Just Flying along Minding My Own Business When....

There I was just flying along, enjoying the flight...
And what's so cool is they actually pay me to do this!

Hmmm.... What's that strange sound? Something feels different!

Hey, why am I looking up?

Whoa here. What the heck? Controls aren't working.

Time for a mirror check. Hey, where's the rest of my F-15?

Uh oh, it's over there. I think I've got a definite 'Aw, crap going on here.’

I gotta wonder, am I the first guy to ever experience 'cockpit-airframe separation anxiety?'

OK, enough is enough! I'm outta' here. But first the canopy has to go....

Hey that's GREAT! It worked as planned. Things are looking up now!

OK, now it's my turn. I'm gonna be gone - soon as I find that blasted lower handle.

Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about..
How about the guy who took these pictures... Just when it looks like it's going to be just another 'average day at the office'.. you never know! What caused the mid air break up? The main "longeron" (stringer) behind the cockpit failed due to corrosion

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Obama Billboard

(Gotta love those Texans – This billboard is located on Hwy 59 at Hwy 43 - across from Marshall High School) !!!