The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues andstuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloadedoff the Internet.When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of thepeople got up and left. I guess they decided thatthey weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hoursoff my waiting time.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next timeyou're in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

And the Laundromat - three minutes after entering I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's, the whole crew got upand left and l never got my order.

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "


With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .... every imaginable kind of cured pork.


"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a HAM BUSH...."

SO SORRY I know there is something wrong with me for sending you this. Just couldnt help it! The little voices made me do it !!! And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you - I know you did!

Senior wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter : "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist : "Of course, we do."
Jacob : "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist : "All kinds."
Jacob : "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist : "Definitely."
Jacob : "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist : "You bet!"
Jacob : "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist : "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob : "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"Pharmacist : "Absolutely."Jacob : "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist : "We sure do."
Jacob : "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist : "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob : "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist : "Sure."
Jacob : "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."