The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues andstuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloadedoff the Internet.When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of thepeople got up and left. I guess they decided thatthey weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hoursoff my waiting time.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next timeyou're in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

And the Laundromat - three minutes after entering I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's, the whole crew got upand left and l never got my order.

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "


With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .... every imaginable kind of cured pork.


"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a HAM BUSH...."

SO SORRY I know there is something wrong with me for sending you this. Just couldnt help it! The little voices made me do it !!! And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you - I know you did!

Senior wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter : "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist : "Of course, we do."
Jacob : "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist : "All kinds."
Jacob : "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist : "Definitely."
Jacob : "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist : "You bet!"
Jacob : "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist : "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob : "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"Pharmacist : "Absolutely."Jacob : "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist : "We sure do."
Jacob : "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist : "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob : "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist : "Sure."
Jacob : "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

The Tea Cup

I love this story - you will not be able to have tea in a tea cup again without thinking of this. There was a couple who took a trip to England to shop in a beautiful antique store to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. They both liked antiques and pottery, and especially teacups. Spotting an exceptional cup, they asked, "May we see that? We've never seen a cup quite so beautiful."As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the teacup spoke, "You don't understand. I have not always been a teacup There was a time when I was just a lump of red clay.

My master took me and rolled me, pounded and patted me over and over and I yelled out, "Don't do that. "I don't like it! Leave me alone," but he only smiled, and gently said, "Not yet!"

Then WHAM! I was placed on a spinning wheel>and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. "Stop it! I'm getting so dizzy! I'm going to be sick!," I screamed. But the master only nodded and said quietly. 'Not yet.'

He spun me and poked and prodded and bent me out of shape to suit himself and then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat.. I yelled and knocked and pounded at the door. "Help! Get me out of here!" I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head from side to side, 'Not yet'.

When I thought I couldn't bear it another minute, the door opened. He carefully took me out and put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. Oh, that felt so good! "Ah, this is much better," I thought. But after I cooled he picked me up and he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. "Oh, please, stop it, stop," I cried. He only shook his head and said. 'Not yet!'.

Then suddenly he put me back in to the oven. Only it was not like the first one.. This was twice as hot and I just knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. I was convinced I would never make it. I was ready to give up. Just then the door opened and he took me out and again placed me on the shelf where I cooled and waited and waited, wondering "What's he going to do to me next?"

An hour later he handed me a mirror and said 'Look at yourself.' And I did. I said, "That's not me; that couldn't be me. It's beautiful. I'm beautiful!!!"

Quietly he spoke: 'I want you to remember,then,' he said, 'I know it hurt to be rolled and pounded and patted, but had I just left you alone, you'd have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I know it hurt and it was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened. You would not have had any color in your life. If I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't have survived for long because thehardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product.

Now you are what I had in mind when I first began with you.

The moral of this story is this:God knows what He's doing for each of us. He is the potter, and we are His clay. He will mold us and make us and expose us to just enough pressures of just the right kinds that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing and perfect will.

So when life seems hard, and you are being pounded and patted and pushed almost beyond endurance; when your world seems to be spinning out of control; when you feel like you are in a fiery furnace of trials; when life seems to "stink", try this:

Brew a cup of your favorite tea in your prettiest tea cup, sit down and think on this story
and then, have a little talk with the Potter.

NEW DONT ASK , DONT TELL UNIFORM

Representative Barney Frank introduces the new "don't ask, don't tell" uniform

Just Flying along Minding My Own Business When....

There I was just flying along, enjoying the flight...

And what's so cool is they actually pay me to do this!

Hmmm.... What's that strange sound? Something feels different!

Hey, why am I looking up?

Whoa here. What the heck? Controls aren't working.

Time for a mirror check. Hey, where's the rest of my F-15?

Uh oh, it's over there. I think I've got a definite 'Aw, crap going on here.’

I gotta wonder, am I the first guy to ever experience 'cockpit-airframe separation anxiety?'

OK, enough is enough! I'm outta' here. But first the canopy has to go....

Hey that's GREAT! It worked as planned. Things are looking up now!

OK, now it's my turn. I'm gonna be gone - soon as I find that blasted lower handle.

Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about..

How about the guy who took these pictures... Just when it looks like it's going to be just another 'average day at the office'.. you never know! What caused the mid air break up? The main "longeron" (stringer) behind the cockpit failed due to corrosion

Obama Billboard

(Gotta love those Texans – This billboard is located on Hwy 59 at Hwy 43 - across from Marshall High School) !!!

Butt Lift

Dear Family and Friends,
Most of you know I went in for a small surgical procedure for a butt lift. I did not have the most pleasant of experiences. I wanted to show you how it turned out. Please, refrain from getting this procedure. You will regret it!

It's a Test

Are any of these items moving? Or are they perfectly still??

One teacher said, "I felt like they were all moving, but slowly. Kind of like, they were breathing."

The pictures above are used to test the level of stress a person can handle. The slower the pictures move, the better your ability of handling stress. Allegedly, criminals that were tested see them spinning around madly; however, senior citizens and kids see them standing still.
None of these images are animated; they are perfectly still.

P.S. If you do happen to see the images spinning around madly, please take me off your mailing list.

Thank You.

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

A WOMAN HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER HER BED AT NIGHT. SO SHE WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM . . .. '
I've got a problem. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and can’t fall asleep. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?' The woman asked.
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'Let me think about it,' she said.
Six months later the doctor met her on the street.
'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new sports car!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – There ain't nobody under there now !!!'

Thoughts I've Already Thunk:

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear yourcomputer's history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realizeyou're wrong..
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I wasyounger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I knowhow to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for therest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don'twant to have to restart my collection... again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to the ten-page paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever--.
15. I hate it when I miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang it!),but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and then goes tovoicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How do I respond to that?
19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well as the fridge..
20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with a Budweiser than Kay.

New Fashion Rage

The New Fashion Rage In Mug Shots
These are actual Police Photos...too funny.

Just think about this for a second: Did you ever see anyone arrested wearing a Bush T-shirt, or for you older guys, an Eisenhower, Gerald Ford,

Ronald Reagan, or even Nixon, or Bob Dole shirt.

Obama must be proud of his supporters!
Hey, how’s that new "Hope & Change" working out for you?

Life has now been explained to you.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by thedoor of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. Forthis, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.. How about only tenyears and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertainpeople, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you atwenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a prettylong time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go intothe field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, havecalves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I willgive you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live forsixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play,marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, andthe ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play andenjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun tosupport our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks toentertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on thefront porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doingit as a public service.

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy: ''That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.''

Edna: ''Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way With me two times!''

Dorothy: ''Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?''

Edna: ''No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.''

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW...

Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!

The family wheeled Grandma out onto the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew....... 'Bastards won't let me fart.'

Dinner in Arizona

Impact After Underwear Bomber

MANLY BBQ

MANLY BBQ...IS...A Real Man's Grill!

Now this is a BBQ guaranteed to get everyone's attention...I think it should be towed with the barrel facing backwards...then you wouldn't have to worry about anyone tailgating you...I don't know for sure but my guess is the owner is from Texas!

BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off '.

Why women's pictures are used for calendars

EVER WONDER WHY THEY ALWAYS USE WOMEN'S PICTURES FOR CALENDARS?

I know there are months missing... did you seriously want to see MORE??

Thinking about retiring???

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely, The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

Neat Stuff

Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

No word in the English language rhymes with month , orange, silver, or purple.
' Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'. (Are you doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing.
The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to 'do' this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not possibly doubting this, are you ?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds ..

(Some days that's about what my memory span is.)

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

(I know some people that could do this too.!)

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that also. Actually I know A LOT of people like this!)

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2,moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that.)

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid .

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know more than you did before!!