Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

A WOMAN HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER HER BED AT NIGHT. SO SHE WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM . . .. '
I've got a problem. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and can’t fall asleep. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?' The woman asked.
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'Let me think about it,' she said.
Six months later the doctor met her on the street.
'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new sports car!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – There ain't nobody under there now !!!'

Thoughts I've Already Thunk:

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear yourcomputer's history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realizeyou're wrong..
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I wasyounger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I knowhow to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for therest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don'twant to have to restart my collection... again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to the ten-page paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever--.
15. I hate it when I miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang it!),but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and then goes tovoicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How do I respond to that?
19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well as the fridge..
20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with a Budweiser than Kay.

New Fashion Rage

The New Fashion Rage In Mug Shots
These are actual Police Photos...too funny.

Just think about this for a second: Did you ever see anyone arrested wearing a Bush T-shirt, or for you older guys, an Eisenhower, Gerald Ford,

Ronald Reagan, or even Nixon, or Bob Dole shirt.

Obama must be proud of his supporters!
Hey, how’s that new "Hope & Change" working out for you?

Life has now been explained to you.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by thedoor of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. Forthis, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.. How about only tenyears and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertainpeople, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you atwenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a prettylong time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go intothe field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, havecalves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I willgive you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live forsixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play,marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, andthe ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play andenjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun tosupport our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks toentertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on thefront porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doingit as a public service.

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy: ''That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.''

Edna: ''Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way With me two times!''

Dorothy: ''Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?''

Edna: ''No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.''

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW...

Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!

The family wheeled Grandma out onto the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew....... 'Bastards won't let me fart.'

Dinner in Arizona

Impact After Underwear Bomber

MANLY BBQ

MANLY BBQ...IS...A Real Man's Grill!

Now this is a BBQ guaranteed to get everyone's attention...I think it should be towed with the barrel facing backwards...then you wouldn't have to worry about anyone tailgating you...I don't know for sure but my guess is the owner is from Texas!

BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off '.

Why women's pictures are used for calendars

EVER WONDER WHY THEY ALWAYS USE WOMEN'S PICTURES FOR CALENDARS?

I know there are months missing... did you seriously want to see MORE??

Thinking about retiring???

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely, The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

Neat Stuff

Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

No word in the English language rhymes with month , orange, silver, or purple.
' Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'. (Are you doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing.
The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to 'do' this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not possibly doubting this, are you ?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds ..

(Some days that's about what my memory span is.)

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

(I know some people that could do this too.!)

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that also. Actually I know A LOT of people like this!)

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2,moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that.)

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid .

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know more than you did before!!

A MUST READ! VERY INTELLECTUALLY STIMULATING!: Redneck

Redneck Yard Swing

** A Redneck passed away and left his entireestate to his beloved widow . . . but she can't touch it 'till she's 14.

Redneck Mailbox

**Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:

1) The DNA is all the same

2) There are no dental records

Redneck Limo

**Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ??? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Redneck Garden

**How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?When you call the front desk and say, " I gotta leak in my sink, and theclerk replies ......"Go ahead."

Redneck Cellar

**Who invented the toothbrush?
A Redneck!! (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush)

Redneck Cooler

Redneck Time Out

**Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ?The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

Redneck Weenie Roast

**A new Redneck law was just recently passedWhen a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

Redneck Wheelchair

**Did you hear that the Redneck Governor's Mansion burned down?'Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.. The library was a totalloss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the Governor hadn'teven finished coloring one of them.'

A Redneck Thanksgiving

(if Norman Rockwell were a Redneck)

**A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16and says to the driver, 'Got any I.D. ? ' . .and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'

A Redneck Christmas Sleigh...

That's all folks!