THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes like Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts....
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Knowing Scriptures
Acts 2:38
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church
Services , when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the
Act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins
May be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and
Explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why
Did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to
You.'
'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'
Send this to someone who needs a laugh today and remember: Knowing
Scripture can save your life - in more ways than one!
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church
Services , when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the
Act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins
May be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and
Explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why
Did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to
You.'
'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'
Send this to someone who needs a laugh today and remember: Knowing
Scripture can save your life - in more ways than one!
Blond Joke
FINALLY,THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
The Cracked Pot
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. 'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.'
The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?' 'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.' '
For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.'
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them. SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. 'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.'
The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?' 'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.' '
For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.'
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them. SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!
God is Like...
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results:
God is like. BAYER ASPIRIN He works miracles.
God is like. a FORD He's got a better idea.
God is like. COKE He's the real thing. (This is great)
God is like. HALLMARK CARDS He cares enough to send His very best.
God is like. TIDE He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
God is like. GENERAL ELECTRICHe brings good things to life.
God is like. SEARSHe has everything.
God is like. ALKA-SELTZERTry Him, you'll like Him
God is like. SCOTCH TAPE You can't see Him, but you know He's there.
God is like. DELTAHe's ready when you are.
God is like. ALLSTATE You're in good hands with Him.
God is like. VO-5 Hair Spray He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like. DIAL SOAP Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?
God is like the U.S. POST OFFICE Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.
God is like Chevrolet. the heart beat of America
God is like Maxwell house. . . Good to the very last drop
God is like B o u n ty . . . He is the quicker picker upper. . can handle the tough jobs. . and He won't fall apart on you
God is like. BAYER ASPIRIN He works miracles.
God is like. a FORD He's got a better idea.
God is like. COKE He's the real thing. (This is great)
God is like. HALLMARK CARDS He cares enough to send His very best.
God is like. TIDE He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
God is like. GENERAL ELECTRICHe brings good things to life.
God is like. SEARSHe has everything.
God is like. ALKA-SELTZERTry Him, you'll like Him
God is like. SCOTCH TAPE You can't see Him, but you know He's there.
God is like. DELTAHe's ready when you are.
God is like. ALLSTATE You're in good hands with Him.
God is like. VO-5 Hair Spray He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like. DIAL SOAP Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?
God is like the U.S. POST OFFICE Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.
God is like Chevrolet. the heart beat of America
God is like Maxwell house. . . Good to the very last drop
God is like B o u n ty . . . He is the quicker picker upper. . can handle the tough jobs. . and He won't fall apart on you
Things Can Be Worse
When you have an 'I Hate My Job day' [Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]
Try this out: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins . Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully . You will notice that in small print there is a statement: 'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johns on is personally tested and then sanitized.' Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .'
HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A__ THAN YOURS! .........Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart; Maybe you should go and work for Johnson &Johnson!!!!!
Try this out: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins . Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully . You will notice that in small print there is a statement: 'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johns on is personally tested and then sanitized.' Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .'
HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A__ THAN YOURS! .........Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart; Maybe you should go and work for Johnson &Johnson!!!!!
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