Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

A WOMAN HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER HER BED AT NIGHT. SO SHE WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM . . .. '
I've got a problem. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and can’t fall asleep. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?' The woman asked.
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'Let me think about it,' she said.
Six months later the doctor met her on the street.
'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new sports car!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – There ain't nobody under there now !!!'

Thoughts I've Already Thunk:

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear yourcomputer's history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realizeyou're wrong..
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I wasyounger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I knowhow to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for therest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don'twant to have to restart my collection... again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to the ten-page paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever--.
15. I hate it when I miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang it!),but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and then goes tovoicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How do I respond to that?
19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well as the fridge..
20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with a Budweiser than Kay.

New Fashion Rage

The New Fashion Rage In Mug Shots
These are actual Police Photos...too funny.

Just think about this for a second: Did you ever see anyone arrested wearing a Bush T-shirt, or for you older guys, an Eisenhower, Gerald Ford,

Ronald Reagan, or even Nixon, or Bob Dole shirt.

Obama must be proud of his supporters!
Hey, how’s that new "Hope & Change" working out for you?

Life has now been explained to you.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by thedoor of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. Forthis, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.. How about only tenyears and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertainpeople, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you atwenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a prettylong time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go intothe field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, havecalves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I willgive you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live forsixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play,marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, andthe ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play andenjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun tosupport our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks toentertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on thefront porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doingit as a public service.

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy: ''That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.''

Edna: ''Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way With me two times!''

Dorothy: ''Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?''

Edna: ''No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.''

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW...

Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!

The family wheeled Grandma out onto the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew....... 'Bastards won't let me fart.'